Meh-rry Christmas

The holiday season may not be a time of happiness and joy for everyone.  For many years I have been among those who experience some darkness during the time of merry and bright.  The jubilation is just too much at times and it can be a struggle to remain engaged and not become isolated.  This isn’t to say there are no moments of cheer.  In fact, the times of darkness can allow me to see great value in the simplest moments of joy.

Over the years, holiday festivities were never of great significance in my family.  We always gathered on Christmas Day at my parents house to spend time together, but it was not an over-the-top celebration.  A day of simple togetherness was enough.  The light of holiday time dimmed a bit more for me when that togetherness was lost in 2013.  Our tradition may have been simple, but it was something to cherish.

Broken Christmas ball .

Copyright: AleksaMax

In the summer of 2013 my dad was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer.  By December his health had declined significantly and he was in a great deal of pain.  On Christmas Eve my stepmom called to say the usual gathering was not an option.  She had a terrible cold and the pain had become too much for my dad to get out of bed, let alone deal with having a house full of people.  On Christmas evening, dad ended up in the hospital.  He never returned home and only remained with us for two more months.  It was an extremely challenging time, and although my relationship with that man was a tumultuous one, I miss him.

There was reluctance to share this story and poem from fear of tainting the joy of the season, but healing comes from sharing.  I know I am not alone in my struggles during the holiday season, and I know I will not be alone in my healing.

No Decorations

Round And Round We Go

What I have posted to this point has generally been positive and uplifting (at least that has been the goal).  Claiming my writing is always of this manner would be a complete lie.  Lack of honesty is not what this blog is about.  It is about open, vulnerable sharing and this post takes a turn away from the sunshine and flowers.


Photo by Harpal Singh on Unsplash

There is a commercial on TV promoting a medication using the slogan, “Depression Hurts.”  If you ask me, a much more accurate statement would be “Depression Sucks”.  I do not like to admit to my struggles with depression, much less talk about it in the open.  However, denying the existence is not a productive means of dealing with it.

I am learning that depression thrives on isolation and darkness.  It withers when the struggles and battles are openly discussed.  The enemy of depression is light, and sharing this poem publicly is an effort to shine light like I have never done before.

I am winning the battles, yet there are days depression tries mightily to grip my being and maintain control.  This was written on a recent day when a battle ensued.  Writing the poem was an attempt to capture the feelings depression brings.

Let the light shine.


Merry No Found